For all my loyal followers, it may have occurred to you that I have been gone for some time… However, all will be explained.
We all have our own weaknesses. For some it is chocolate, for others it maybe ice cream or a cream cake. But… whatever weakness we have, I believe it is safe to say that we all have them and that includes super heroes.
Superman‘s weakness is that dreaded green stone named kryptonite. For me… It is my mind.
For the passed few months, I have known something wasn’t quite right. My mood was beginning to drop, despite my efforts to keep it up. I started to act as if everything was okay when in fact it was the complete opposite.
I have mentioned before that I suffer with depression and GAD. It may have been the medication but I started to feel like I could cope so silly-me, took myself off my tablets! For a while, I believed I had done the right thing. No-one wants to be on medication for ever but from the beginning of September, I started to realise that I may have made a mistake… A huge mistake…
I started to shake uncontrollably. I started to lock myself a way from the world and when I say world, I mean social networking sites, including wordpress! Strangely enough my phone had broke also… so I truly was locking myself a way.
So, going back to my weakness. For someone to go into a depressive state, there are sometimes things that trigger it off or ‘bring it on.’ For me it is my thoughts. I obsess over anything and everything and certainly things I don’t need to or am not qualified to understand. It was affecting my every aspect of life including what channels and programmes I would watch. I have always known that I have this obsessive nature. I will constantly think about what ever it is I’m obsessing about and even when I try to distract myself or think of something else, it would always come creeping back like a recurring bad dream (and a bad dream was apparent many times during the night if I got any sleep at all.)
One morning, I woke up crying hysterically. Frightening Luke, he chose to be let off sick from work for the remainder of the week. It was hard for him because he had to look after Brooke and myself who was locked up in our bedroom. He was also going through an interview for a games design course with a company called Train2Game. Thankfully, I made myself get up for the interviewer who wanted to meet our family and I put on a brave face and talked up my wonderful boyfriend which led him to successfully getting on to the course.
However, the next day turned from bad to worse. My thoughts were taking over me entirely to the point where I couldn’t handle it any-more. I began to self harm (an action I hadn’t done in many years) just to make me feel some pain and lead me to think of something else… It didn’t help.
I went to the doctor who was disappointed in me for taking myself off my medication and put me back on them. He also wanted to keep an eye on me by having me visit him every couple of days. My thoughts had led me to suicide. I attempted it twice during this episode and it something I am not proud of and to think I got in such a state to harm myself which could have leaded to death, scares me!
Many things had happened when I was younger and recent dramas that popped up in the months before my episode may have been the course. I say ‘may’ lightly because in all honesty, I am not too sure.
I have been fine these passed few weeks. I have realised that the friends I do have are indeed the best I could ever have. I have realised that I have everything to live for. A daughter who adores me entirely and how could I be so selfish to attempt to rid her of a mother. I am doing a degree through the Open University and even though my episode made a huge dent in my studies and may have been the course for me possibly failing the exam (haven’t got the results yet!)
So slowly but surely, I am on my way back up… Depression is a cruel illness and I hope one day I can demolish it for good but until then, I will keep climbing the stairs to a happy, healthy me!