When One Reflects Over The Past Year

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TRIGGER ALERT

So in 9 days, I’ll be 23. I was beginning to feel excited about it but these passed few days I really am not looking forward to it. Another year older for me to live with the burdens of my mentality and all the mistakes I have made.

My 22nd year on Earth has been a little crazy. I was beginning to feel that I was starting to get over the GAD monster but no… It came back with a vengeance and struck me down very slowly… So slow, I didn’t realise it was coming until it was too late.

And everything that happened prior to that moment, I can’t help but feel like I am responsible…

I lost one of my closest friends. I chose to end our friendship and go our ‘separate ways’ because something that happened between our boyfriends made it seem that it was something we could never just forget and get passed. I thought it was the right thing to do… I thought it would make us all happy because staying friends perhaps would have made things worse… I’m not one to hold a grudge, In fact it is one of the things I can’t stand about myself but I guess it is a good thing… I’m usually one to forgive and forget but it isn’t me who needs to forgive and I’m not the one who should just forget… (I don’t forget things anyway as much as I wish I could)…

My Old best friend, I loved very much! She was my rock and was always there when I needed someone to talk to. She made my life stuck within these four walls easier to comprehend because we were constantly emailing each other while she was at work. Maybe I took her for granted? Maybe I didn’t do my best as a friend should? Maybe all them things I didn’t think I was doing, I was doing? Who knows but nevertheless I don’t think I could ever re-build that bridge, even though, I really wish I could… But ending our friendship has most likely hurt her and I don’t expect her to forgive me for that… It may well be one of the biggest mistakes I have made…

So after that, I started to feel lonely… The GAD monster was creeping up anyway and since I voluntarily took myself off the 60mg of meds that I should have been taking, everything seemed fine but I was foolish to believe that the monster wouldn’t creep up again…

I wallowed within myself having crazy talks with myself and Pingu about life in general… Why was I put here for? Was it worth living? Would Brooke be happier without me? I hate that I thought these things… even writing about it is making my eyes fill up. I hated how I let myself get so bad that I went back to a very old me but worse… I won’t go into too much detail because it is far too depressing… My mom dragged me to the doctors and I would be kicking and screaming but I was locked away within myself. I couldn’t do much but stare at the walls.

I told the doctor some private things that only Luke, my sister and my old best friend knew… That I was sexually abused when I was a kid… My Mom never knew this and it broke her and my dad’s heart when I finally came out about it. This is the first time I have written it for the world to see… Maybe I didn’t want to admit to it? Maybe I am ashamed? Maybe I don’t want to believe that it happened to me? Or maybe I just don’t see it as a ‘big deal’? Who knows? But I know that it has been a constant thought in my mind, almost like an obsession of me trying to understand it but I will never understand it…

There have been some good points… For one, I started this blog where I have met some wonderful people! I also have an almost complete novel… I have passed my modules that I have taken for my English Degree… One result I get next Friday so fingers crossed I have passed that! Thirdly, I have my wonderful boyfriend who has been nothing but supportive. I have Brooke: my little princess who has never failed to put a smile on my face! I have my beautiful fluffy white monster called Sasha! Who has been a wonderful shoulder to cry on! And, I have my health… Well most of it anyway!

To be optimistic, being 23 will be my year! 23 is my lucky number so lets see if it will live up to its expectations!

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One thought on “When One Reflects Over The Past Year

  1. That’s one incredible year, young lady! I was 23 when I realized I was an adult. Of course, that was centuries ago…
    Kudos to you on speaking up about your abuse. More often than not, you’ll find more people who have been abused than weren’t. Quite a sad state.
    ((hugs))

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