There is nothing like passing an exam that can lift up a person’s spirits!
After neglecting my blog for a while, I came back and told the world how I had had a break down! Due to this break down, I didn’t study!
You see I am currently doing an English Literature and Language Degree with the Open University. This means I do all of my learning from home with the resources of books and DVDs that the OU send me from Milton Keynes!
It is tough! It isn’t like sitting in a class room, hearing a lecturer speak for hours on end. Instead, you are reading and doing various activities to aid you with your understanding.
With GAD, this was my best approach to doing a degree. After my A levels I did get into Birmingham City University but I had just had Brooke and my anxiety was really high back then. I didn’t and still don’t trust anyone looking after her apart from myself. Luke was working full time as a landscape gardener and my Dad was the only other person I could actually trust as he spent every day with me, helping me with Brooke while Luke worked but my Dad is disabled and I couldn’t expect him to watch Brooke for hours on end. Also, I am petrified of public transport and I didn’t quite fancy taking two buses!
The following year I enrolled with the OU and it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. My first module I did outstandingly well with getting mainly distinctions in the assignments. After module one had finished, I started another module on my pathway to completing stage 1 of my degree. I wasn’t doing too badly, till the monster struck me.
I was too shook up to do anything. I avoided everything… television, social networking sites, I was even ignoring my phone until I got it wet and it broke and had no choice. I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone and I locked myself a way in my bedroom where all I did was cry and had fits of hysteria.
Like I said in an earlier post, my mother took me to the doctors and after a week or so, I started to come around but the exam for module 2 was approaching! I had under a week to read as much as I possibly could and reading three A4 sized text books was hard. The third book, I only finished reading the morning of my exam! I couldn’t have cut it any finer.
I was scared to say the least! My anxiety was up and there was the constant dread of opening the exam paper and I wouldn’t have a clue. To be honest, I didn’t have much of a clue but I tried to fish out the questions within the options which I could at least make some sort of an attempt at answering.
After the exam all I have said is that I am going to fail! It is the logical explanation. How can a person pass an exam when they barely studied the material? To me, it didn’t seem possible!
I was expecting to hear my result one day this week. The website mentioned that I’d hear my result by the 29th (the day before my birthday!) I checked my account this morning on my phone. I had submitted an assignment for the last module for stage 1 which I am currently studying now and obviously, I am awaiting for a mark from that but I saw nothing there. However, as I was about to leave the webpage, I saw that under my last module (module 2), there was a link that said ‘Module Result.’ I knew that wasn’t there yesterday… I’m forever checking my OU account for new posts in forums and such.
I clicked it and I couldn’t be more relieved!
Seeing ‘PASS’ written at the top in a large font gave me a great deal of shock.
I didn’t smile, not at first. I wanted to make sure that what I saw was for real. It is for real. I’ve checked it again and again and again and it still says ‘PASS’.
I honestly can’t believe I have done it and I haven’t got a clue how!
It was only last night I was saying to Luke how my GAD effects everything badly. How it has ruined relationships, my quality of life and even my education and how I was afraid that it would just kept spiralling downwards and I’d be left with nothing.
I really want this degree!
I really want a career in writing!
I really want to give my child a life which I never had.
A good childhood!
Passing this exam has reassured me that I can ‘do it.’ My mark may not have been the highest but I still did it and I done it even though I had a mental break down.
Either someone up there is looking down on me or something within me wants to so desperately get out and show the world what I can do! (and no Pingu, I don’t mean you!)
But for now, my spirits have been lifted. I am not sure how long for as I can drop at any moment but it was definitely something nice to wake up to!