C is for Choices

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Welcome to the third instalment of “A hero from a Zero”

I am still not too sure about that title!

Anyway, choices, we all make them. Some people may find it a little easier to make certain choices to the point that their choices become almost automatic. For example a person may wake up one morning and take ages trying to decide whether they would like toast or cereal for breakfast. They might be so used to making this choice that it becomes so easy and the only worry (if any) is whether they will have enough time to eat it before they leave for work… They may even just grab a piece of toast or a bagel or whatever they desire and eat it on the way…

A pretty easy choice really.

However for some people, simple choices such as this isn’t as easy.

Continue reading

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When One Has Weaknesses

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For all my loyal followers, it may have occurred to you that I have been gone for some time… However, all will be explained.

We all have our own weaknesses. For some it is chocolate, for others it maybe ice cream or a cream cake. But… whatever weakness we have, I believe it is safe to say that we all have them and that includes super heroes.

Superman‘s weakness is that dreaded green stone named kryptonite. For me… It is my mind.

For the passed few months, I have known something wasn’t quite right. My mood was beginning to drop, despite my efforts to keep it up. I started to act as if everything was okay when in fact it was the complete opposite.

I have mentioned before that I suffer with depression and GAD. It may have been the medication but I started to feel like I could cope so silly-me, took myself off my tablets! For a while, I believed I had done the right thing. No-one wants to be on medication for ever but from the beginning of September, I started to realise that I may have made a mistake… A huge mistake…

I started to shake uncontrollably. I started to lock myself a way from the world and when I say world, I mean social networking sites, including wordpress! Strangely enough my phone had broke also… so I truly was locking myself a way.

So, going back to my weakness. For someone to go into a depressive state, there are sometimes things that trigger it off or ‘bring it on.’ For me it is my thoughts. I obsess over anything and everything and certainly things I don’t need to or am not qualified to understand. It was affecting my every aspect of life including what channels and programmes I would watch. I have always known that I have this obsessive nature. I will constantly think about what ever it is I’m obsessing about and even when I try to distract myself or think of something else, it would always come creeping back like a recurring bad dream (and a bad dream was apparent many times during the night if I got any sleep at all.)

One morning, I woke up crying hysterically. Frightening Luke, he chose to be let off sick from work for the remainder of the week. It was hard for him because he had to look after Brooke and myself who was locked up in our bedroom. He was also going through an interview for a games design course with a company called Train2Game. Thankfully, I made myself get up for the interviewer who wanted to meet our family and I put on a brave face and talked up my wonderful boyfriend which led him to successfully getting on to the course.

However, the next day turned from bad to worse. My thoughts were taking over me entirely to the point where I couldn’t handle it any-more. I began to self harm (an action I hadn’t done in many years) just to make me feel some pain and lead me to think of something else… It didn’t help.

I went to the doctor who was disappointed in me for taking myself off my medication and put me back on them. He also wanted to keep an eye on me by having me visit him every couple of days. My thoughts had led me to suicide. I attempted it twice during this episode and it something I am not proud of and to think I got in such a state to harm myself which could have leaded to death, scares me!

Many things had happened when I was younger and recent dramas that popped up in the months before my episode may have been the course. I say ‘may’ lightly because in all honesty, I am not too sure.

I have been fine these passed few weeks. I have realised that the friends I do have are indeed the best I could ever have. I have realised that I have everything to live for. A daughter who adores me entirely and how could I be so selfish to attempt to rid her of a mother. I am doing a degree through the Open University and even though my episode made a huge dent in my studies and may have been the course for me possibly failing the exam (haven’t got the results yet!)

So slowly but surely, I am on my way back up… Depression is a cruel illness and I hope one day I can demolish it for good but until then, I will keep climbing the stairs to a happy, healthy me!

Why I Could Never Be Wolverine

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wolverine

With The Wolverine being released into our cinemas this passed week. It got me thinking about Wolverine’s character and how I could relate life and myself to him.

When a person mentions Wolverine to you, what is the first thing that props up into your head?

I’ll tell you what pops up into mine…

I've always been a sucker for a man in a leather jacket!

I’ve always been a sucker for a man in a leather jacket!

Well firstly, there is no denying that a person will think of the gorgeous Hugh Jackman when our mysterious metal-clawed friend is mentioned.

Another person may think of the bright yellow and blue suit he wears. If you click here, fellow blogger Casey Chan has a fantastic blog on the history of Wolverine’s suit.

Personally, I like the ‘2001 – black leather’ Wolverine. I have a thing for leather then again a shirtless Hugh Jackman featured in The Wolverine posters would be close to being top of the list.

I haven’t seen the movie yet so no spoilers!

And, lastly before I go off topic, many people may imagine his anger out bursts that lead him to sometimes rip his own flesh to shreds; to then see it miraculously heal itself.

It was this thought that led me to my comparison. So, here goes.

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In my previous post I spoke about one of the things I do that is related to my GAD: the belief that I know what a person is thinking. Of course this isn’t the only thing that I do which is related to it and in future posts I will speak about different ones. Today however, I’m going to speak about depression.

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If you type into Google ‘define: depression’, you will find this definition:

Depression n.

  1. Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
  2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

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I’ve been battling with depression since my early teens and it was only two years ago that I came to terms with it, as well as GAD, and got some treatment.

It was within my early teens that I became so deep within my depression that no-one could talk me out of it. It was then, I started to self harm.

Self harming, for me, gave me a sense of control as everything in my life seemed that it was far from my control. It wasn’t just that though. I’ve never been good with my emotions. Before then, it was very rare I would cry. It was like I had some mental block on everything. Obviously all of this repression has built up over the years and this was a way that I could release it.

For a person to self harm is a serious issue. There are many ways a person can self harm and most of them are pretty dangerous and most people have difficulty in talking to people about it.

So, why could I never be Wolverine? I’ll tell you.

Wolverine, he gets injured or he gets so wrapped up in his emotions he sometimes rips himself to shreds but as we have seen, he heals himself with no sign of a scratch. I wish in some sense I could take my self harming back but the visual reminders are a constant reminder, not of my depressive outbursts, but of how I have overcome them.

Without everything that happened in my life from the choices I had made to ones I couldn’t make, it has made me. Made me into a strong woman who yes, has difficulties sometimes but overcomes them.

For all of you who would love a life of immortality like our clawed friend then I shall leave you with a quote from a Mr Bruce Lee:

The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.

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For anyone affected by the acts of self harm. Whether it be yourself or a family member then take a look at these websites. (UK)

The Beauty of Our Minds and I Can Read Yours

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ImageOriginal source and marvelous artwork is from:marvelitesxmen.wordpress.com. My speech bubbles.

If you have read my ‘All About Me Section‘ then you will know that I battle it out with Genoralised Anxiety Disorder or GAD, Panic Disorder (according to my consultant) and Depression. If you did not know that then feel free to visit my ‘all about me’ section… Do it, it’s quite quirky…

To begin with I will mention that Professor Charles Francis Xavier or Professor X for all you comic fans out there, is well known for being the founder of the X-Men and has the ability to read minds (telepathy) which involves: the ability to control a person’s mind as well as reading them. I won’t bore you with an on-going list of Prof. X’s abilities, unless you want me to?…

If you do, then I simply can not be bothered… so click here if you’re really that interested!

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So, for all of you who are wondering what the hell this has got to do with me, then I shall tell you…

I will, I promise.

But first, I will bore you with some brief background information as some of you who haven’t read my ‘All About Me’ won’t have a clue. Hint Hint.

I have been battling with anxiety for as long as I can remember, I’m only 22 and I believe I’ve had this since I was 8, probably sooner. For those of you who are unaware, my problems included the general fear of most day-to-day things such as: answering the door or phone, going to places I didn’t know or places that were too ‘open’ and had crowds etc. I was and still am in fear to say the least and it’s these fears which would cause me to have a panic attack. I thought as a teenager that it was just a phase I was going through… Something that would pass with age. I would say such things to myself like ‘When I’m 16, It will pass’ or ‘when I’m 18, I’ll go out more, possibly on my own.’ But, for some reason, nothing seemed to have changed. I was in denial.

So here I go into explaining my comparison between Prof. X and I.

When you have something Like GAD there are some things that you do that you don’t realise that you’re doing. One of these is Mind Reading!

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Mind Reading n. the apparent ability to discern the thoughts of another

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We all do it I guess, well that I wouldn’t know exactly because the fact is: I cannot read minds.

But, I know that I believe I can and it’s become an almost habit of mine which I am trying to break. It doesn’t matter who the person is whether they are male, female, young, old, tall, short etc. I believe to some degree that I know what they’re thinking.

She’s Fat!”

“What the F*** is she wearing?”

“Her roots are bad” (I must admit they are pretty bad at the moment.)

“She’s a useless mother”

The list is pretty much endless.

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It was a little over 2 years now, I gave birth to my daughter. She is the most precious thing in my life and as my anxieties got worse due to PND (Post-Natal Depression), I begun to realise that I needed help.

You don’t realise it but you start to understand that you are NOT the only one.

There is so much help out there now for people with mental illnesses such as GAD and depression and there are plenty of options to choose from to aid you in getting the help you need and WANT.

One charity I will mention but haven’t had the help from as of yet is called MIND which is a charity that not just helps people with mental illnesses but also try and make people more aware of such things as anxiety and depression. My dearest friend Alyshia, a graduate in psychology, done a hell of a lot for this charity in terms of raising money for them at the University she was attending. She told me they raised over £1,000 which of course is a major help! One day, I will do the same to show others, like me that it is possible to control it and live with it.

My psychiatric nurse told me that I will have GAD and depression throughout my whole life and it will come and go a bit like an annoying friend who pops in now and again when you least expect it! Not long ago I finished a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) which teaches you how to analyse your thoughts in a way that you become aware of what you’re thinking and how to change it. I’m not going to lie, I find it rather difficult.

There are many people out there who will ridicule people such as myself and I put it down to people not understanding much about mental illness and in all fairness the awareness needs to be raised. Hopefully, perhaps with this blog post, I can raise it a little!

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For all of those who may have similar thoughts and symptoms as I do and are seeking help then or for those who are interested then please take a look at MIND‘s Website. Also, If anyone knows of any other charities for mental health issues then please comment a link to their websites on this blog post! I’m not quite sure if there’s a USA version of MIND.

So, to conclude…

Remember, if you’re suffering with any mental illness, you’re not the only one.

AND

For those who know someone with a mental illness, maybe a friend or family member, then support them; lend an ear. I’m sure you can’t read minds too!